I’ve been toying with the idea of making this blog more personal…pouring out my heart, I guess you could say. A place to share my vulnerabilities in the hope that others going through similar circumstances might be encouraged, or be able to vent as well. Don’t get me wrong, I will still definitely share sessions and photography opportunities, but I also feel like this might be a good way for you to truly get to know me.
So, let me tell you what is on my mind:
First of all, I am sick. And it really sucks. It sucks when you are sick period, but it is so much worse when you are a parent. I am definitely the wallowing type. Whining, crying off and on if it’s bad, sprawled out on the couch kind of person when I am sick (honestly, I’m like that to an extent when I’m not sick too!) But I just can’t indulge in that kind of behavior with a mobile almost-11-month-old. There were times today that I felt weak and wanted to collapse, but Isaiah needs me. Diapers, feedings, making sure he’s not swallowing something he shouldn’t. I felt just bad enough today to feel miserable but not so bad I felt like it was ok to ask Hubby to stay home from work.
Urgh. I’m ready to start feeling better. I haven’t felt 100% for at least a month.
The other thing heavy on my mind tonight is loss. I have been missing my mom SO MUCH recently. I miss seeing her face. I miss hearing her cackle. I miss the silly face she used to make when she was mad (she would cross her eyes and purse her lips…no lie! My siblings and I can all imitate it! She eventually learned to control it, though we could tell she was really mad when we saw hints of her eyes crossing!!) I even miss the things I never got to do: I never got to call her or talk to her as a married woman. I never got to call her for advice about my baby. I never got a picture of her holding my son. She never got to meet him. She barely got to meet my husband. I miss seeing my mom and dad holding hands…not that I don’t like my step-mom. Sheri is such a huge blessing in our lives and I love the blended family that we have become…but, oh, I miss my mom.
Tonight we watched an episode of one of our favorite TV shows on Netflix, one where I relived my mom’s painful death and the overwhelming grief that followed. Most of the time missing Mom is a dull ache…but tonight it is as sharp as a knife. Buried deep in my heart and my gut.
It would be just like me to have a Debby-Downer as my first blog post that is more personal…hopefully, despite the tears I shed while writing this, you will come back to see happier posts down the road.
Much Love from me to You.
<3 Amy Lou